Moment of Clarity
by foreverlostinwonderland2013
Summary: Everything was blurry when I was him. Everything. It was blurred at the edges. It drove me crazy, and to have these few moments of clarity was amazing. It was like I could breathe again. I had to hurry home so I could see Clary and she could have her Jace back, if only for a little while.
1. Moment of Clarity

Everything was blurry when I was _him._ Everything. It was blurred at the edges. It drove me crazy, and to have these few moments of clarity was amazing. It was like I could breathe again. I had to hurry home so I could see Clary and she could have _her _Jace back, if only for a little while. I knew how much this was killing her, seeing _him _all the time. The Jace that I hated, the Jace I wanted to kill, but I couldn't' because I know how much that would kill Clary. I don't want to hurt her more than she's already hurting. I can see it in her eyes every time she looks at me. And I can't blame her for it, either. It would hurt me, too. It would hurt me more than anything in the world to see her like how _he _was. I don't know how she hasn't killed me herself yet. Clary, my beautiful Clary. I ran to the apartment. And stood at the door, trying to gain that mask back for a moment so I could talk to Sebastian.

"Hey, little brother." He said casually. I repressed the urge to cringe. "Is it done?"

"It's done." I said in a flat voice.

"And the old lady—she did as we asked? Made the cup?" His eyes were bright. My hand twitched toward my stele, but I balled it into a fist.

"Yes." My voice was tight. I sounded like myself again, myself when I was angry. Ready for a fight.

"Show it to me." I hated the greed in his voice.

"Look, take it if you want it." I said. I wanted this over with. I wanted to go see Clary. I wanted to see her so badly.

"No." He said, handing it back. "You hold onto it for the moment. You did the work getting it back, after all. Didn't you?" He looked at me. These cuts, gashes were really starting to hurt. But the need to see Clary was hurting even more.

"But that was your plan." I said, trying to keep my voice from rising. "And I executed it, just as you wanted. Now if you don't mind—"

"I do mind." He said, stepping in front of me. I curled my hands into fists. "There's something wrong. I can tell. I can read you, you know."

"I'm tired." I said. And that was true. I was. But not for the reasons he thinks. I was tired of him, tired of being _him. _"And there was a lot of blood." _My_ _blood. _"Look, I just need to clean myself off, and to sleep. And…" Clary. I need to see Clary.

"To see my sister." I hate it. I hate so much when he refers to her as his sister. He doesn't care about her like that. I hate it even when I'm _him_. Cos I see the way he looks at her. I want to murder him for it. But it would kill me and that would destroy Clary.

"I would like to see her, yes." I need to see her.

"She's asleep. Has been for hours."

"Do I need to ask your permission?" I could hear _myself, _the real _me _again in my voice. That razorblade edge I get when I'm mad. He raised his eyebrow.

"No." He looked surprised, caught off guard. "I suppose if you want to barge right in there and gaze wistfully at her sleeping face, go right ahead. I'll never understand why—"

"No." I said. Because he can never love anyone like I love Clary. No one can love anyone like I love Clary. "You never will." And I turned away from him and walked down the hall towards Clary's room. I opened the door quietly. She looked peaceful. She rolled over.

"What…?" I closed the door and kneeled on the floor next to her bed. "Clary." I whispered. "Clary, it's me. It's _me._"

Her eyes opened. I missed her green eyes. _He _didn't deserve them. They were wide and sad, but happy at the same time. I looked at her, I didn't know how long this would last. It scared me. So much it hurt. Her eyes were wide.

"Please," I whispered with urgency. "Please believe me." I knew she did, I could read it in her eyes.

"_How?!_"

"Clary, shh—" As much as I wanted to climb into bed with her, lay here with her and listen to her heartbeat… I couldn't. Not here. She struggled to sit up and I pushed her back down. "We can't talk now. I have to go." The hurt in her eyes killed me. She grabbed for my sleeve and I cringed. I didn't want to leave her, not even for a minute. The pain in her eyes, in her face.. It broke my heart.

"_Don't leave me._" The pain in her voice… She needed me, she needed the real _me_, and I can't blame her. I really can't. She's been dealing with _him_ for so long, she needs _me_. And I'm withholding. I looked at her. Something in my eyes, in my face made her stop talking. She looked on the verge of tears. My heart shattered.

"Wait a few moments after I go." I said, and she stared at me with those wide green eyes. They were filled with a mixture of happiness and pain. But the pain over took the happy and it killed me to leave her. "Sebastian can't know we're together. Not tonight." He already suspects something's up.. "Don't let him hear you." She sat up.

"Your stele. Leave me your stele." I hesitated for a moment, but I saw her point in asking for it. If she ran into him, she could need protection.. I gave it to her.

My fingers brushed the palm of her hand, and I felt that fire I used to feel when I used to touch her before _he _took over. She shuddered and I took my hand away and backed toward the door, never letting my eyes leave her.

I opened the door looked at her for one last precious second before I closed the door. I heard her jump out of bed and I walked down the hall, smiling. I would get to be _myself _for a while and Clary would have _her _Jace back. The one she fell in love with, the one she couldn't live without, the one that she sacrificed everything for. The stars were beautiful tonight.

The door opened and she gasped.

"Jace." She said softly, walking slowly towards me. She was looking all over me, the cuts, the blood..

"Don't." I held up my hand to stop her. And she did, but the pain in her eyes was more evident now. This was killing me. I needed her in my arms. Her eyes landed on Lilith's mark. "Yeah. Oh. This won't last, Clary. Me being myself, I mean. Only as long as this hasn't healed."

And for the first time, I wished I didn't heal faster than mundanes do. I would get to be with _my _Clary for longer. She would have _her _Jace for longer.

"I—I wondered," She stammered. This was really killing me. All the pain she was in. "Before—while you were sleeping—I thought about cutting the rune like I did when we fought Lilith. But I was afraid Sebastian would feel it."

"He would have." I want to take her in my arms, and kiss her. Kiss her like there's no tomorrow, because I'll never be like this again. Because he can't die without killing me. "He didn't feel this because it was made with a _pugio_—a dagger seethed in angel blood. They're incredibly rare; I've never seen one in real life before." I ran my fingers through my hair and she stared at me. "The blade turned to hot ash after it touched me, but it did the damage it needed to do."

"You were in a fight with a demon?" Clary's eyes were wide. "Why didn't Sebastian go with—"

"Clary." I whispered. "This—it'll take longer than an ordinary cut to heal…but not forever. And then I'll be _him_ again." The Jace that we both hate.

"How much time?" She asked. "Before you go back to the way you were?"

"I don't know." I said. "I just don't know. But I wanted—I _needed _to be with you, like this, like myself, for as long as I could." I reached my hand out to her stiffly. I didn't know if she'd take it or not. "Do you think you could—" She ran across the room to me and threw her arms around my neck. I caught her and buried my face in the crook of her neck. I felt her fingers in my hair, smiling and happy.

"It's you." She whispered. "It really is you."

I pulled back to look at her and, still holding her, I traced my finger across her cheekbone and I saw her eyes light up.

"I missed you." She said. "I missed you so much."

I closed my eyes. It hurt. It really did. Because it was still _me _that was hurting her. Causing her all of this pain, destroying her. I let the tears fall, because it breaking me in half, into a million little pieces. She cupped her hand around my face.

"It's not your fault." Clary whispered softly. But it was. She kissed my cheek, kissing the tears away. And finally.. I felt her lips on mine.

I needed this. I needed her. It was soft, sweet at first. But it slowly turned into a burning wildfire. I carried her to the bed and I felt her smile. Her hands roamed over my bare skin. It felt like fire. I loved it. I missed it. I found the hem of her tank top and she arched into me as I slid it over her head, and I could feel her heartbeat. The kisses deepened, it was more than a burning wildfire. It was out of control. She dug her nails into my shoulders when I kissed her neck. I did it again. She scratched down my back. And kissed her collarbone, the star shaped mark on her shoulder. She kissed my scar, the back or my knuckles, the Mark of Lilith. I shuddered, I wanted her. No, I needed her. I pulled her even closer. Her nails dug deeper in my back and i knew there was no going back now. I knew neither of us cared. She wrapped her legs around the small of my back. I groaned and my fingers dug into her hips. Oh god, I wanted her. I needed her. With great difficulty, I pulled away.

"Clary." My voice was shaking. She looked at me with wide, bright eyes. I could tell she wanted it just as much as I did. "I can't… If we don't stop now, we won't be able to."

"Don't you want to?" She was surprised, her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright. She was breathing heavy. I could feel her heart racing in her chest.

"Yes, it's just I've never—" I was having trouble talking. I needed this beautiful girl in front of me.

"You haven't?" Clary was surprised. "Done this before?" She was having trouble talking, too. I took a deep breath.

"I have." I searched her eyes for disappointment, disgust, anger, anything bad.. But she just stared at me evenly. Her eyes were still full of yearning. "But not when it mattered." With Clary, it would be different. It would mean so much more. Because he loved her so much, and she loved me just as much. "I don't even know how…"

She laughed softly. "I think it's been established that you do." I smiled at her.

"That's not what I meant." I took her hand and brought it to my face. It was hot. "I want you," Clary's eyes lit up even more at that. Hasn't anyone ever told her that before? That she's beautiful and lovely and wanted and.. just so goddamn _sexy_? "more than I have ever wanted anything in my life." I took a deep breath and stared at her. The love and passion in her eyes made my heart pound even more. "Name of the Angel. I'm going to kick myself for this later." I ran my hands through my hair.

"Don't say you're trying to protect me," she said, a fire blazing in her eyes. "Because I—"

"It's not that." I shook my head, internally cringing. "I'm not being self-sacrificing. I'm…jealous."

Clary's eyes widened. "You're—jealous? Of who?"

"Myself." I squeezed her hand. "I thought of _him_ being with you. _Him. _That other me. The one Sebastian controls." That made me sick. Her smile faded and she blushed.

"At the club… last night…." I dropped my head to her shoulder. Clary stroked my back, feeling the scratches she'd left on my back.

"I remember _everything _about last night." I whisper. I hate myself for it. Because it wasn't me. "And it makes me crazy, because it was me but it wasn't. When we're together, I want it to be the real you. The real me." I don't want Sebastian to feel it, because f he does, it's not just _my _memory, it's his, and that very thought makes me sick.

"Isn't that what we are right now?" She asked. I knew how much Clary wanted it, and I'm pretty sure she could tell how much I wanted her, but this wasn't the time.

"Yes." I lifted my head and kissed her, but didn't let it turn into the burning wildfire that it was before. The one that made me feel alive for the first time in _weeks_. "But for how long? I could turn back to _him _any minute." I didn't like how bitter my voice was. "I don't even know how you can stand it, being around this _thing _that isn't me—"

"Even if you go back to being that in five minutes," Clary said, her voice incredibly soft and loving. "it would've been worth it, just to be like this again. Because of you, and even that other you—there's pieces of the real you in there. It's like I'm looking through a blurred window at you, but it's _not _the real you. At least I know now." It hurt, to know how much pain I was causing her. I hated myself for it.

"What do you mean?" My grip on her shoulders tightened. "What do you mean at least you know now?" Her eyes widened and I loosened them. She took a deep breath.

"Jace, when we were first together, like _really _together, you were so happy for that first month. And everything we did was funny and fun and amazing. And then it started draining out of you, all of that happiness—" Clary's voice broke a little at the end.

"I was afraid I was going to _hurt_ you. I thought I was losing my mind." I said, remembering that feeling.

"You didn't smile or laugh or joke, And I'm not blaming you. Lilith was creeping into your mind, controlling you. Changing you. But you have to remember—I know how stupid this sounds—I never had a boyfriend before. I thought maybe it was normal. That maybe you were just getting tired of me." The very thought of getting tired of Clary seemed impossible.

"I could never—" I start off, but Clary shushed me.

"I'm not looking for reassurance," She said softly. "I'm telling you. When you're—like you are, controlled—you seem _happy_. I came here because I wanted to save you." But I'm not happy. Not at all. "But I started wondering what I was saving you from. How could I bring you back to a life you seemed so unhappy with." The pain in her eyes was evident, but she was fighting to keep it out of her voice.

"Unhappy?" I shook my head. That was impossible. I wasn't unhappy. I was scared. I was terrified that I was going to hurt her. Which would kill me. But I was hurting her by trying to protect her and that hurt me even more. "I was lucky. So, so lucky. And I couldn't see it." I looked at her. "I love you." I wish there was a word for what I really felt, because it's more than love, but there isn't. "And you make me happier than I thought I ever could be. And now I know what it's like to be with someone else—lose myself—I want my life back. My family. You." Her eyes widened. "I want it _back_." I kissed her, with such passion, hungry, hot, like wildfire. I gripped her waist, my nails digging into her soft skin. I gripped the sheets, almost ripping them. I pulled back, panting. "We _can't—" _

"Then quit kissing me!" She gasped. Clary's cheeks were flushed and her eyes were bright. "In fact—" She grabbed her tank top and pushed me off her and rolled off the bed. "I'll be right back." She was breathing just as heavy as I was. I watched her go, I didn't want her to leave, even for a second. I didn't know when I would change back into _him_.

Clary came out of the bathroom, looking calmer than she had before. She had a wet towel in her hand and stood at the foot of the bed.

"Alright, take off your shirt." She said.

I sat up and looked at her, raising my eyebrow.

"I'm not going to attack you." She smirked. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning."

I smiled. "Are you sure?" I took my shirt off. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."

"Yeah, well, I don't see anyone here but me, and I just want to clean the blood off you." Clary said. I leaned back on my hands. She was gentle, loving as she cleaned the blood away. He watched her, the expression on her face was worried and she was as just in much pain as he was. If I had seen her like this, I would be hurting just as much.

"Clary?"

"Yes?" She said without looking up.

"I won't remember this," I said. She looked up, her eyes wide and the pain was much more pronounced. "When I'm back—like I was—under _his _control, I won't remember being myself. I won't remember being with you, or talking to you like this. So just tell me—are they all right? My family? Do they know—" It was scary, I really wish I could remember this, being with _my _Clary like this. Seeing her happy like this. She's hurting, but she's happy. I won't ever get this….

"What happened to you?" She finished my sentence. "A little. And, no, they're not all right." Clary looked sad. "I could lie to you." But she never would, because she knew that would hurt me more than the truth would. And she won't sugarcoat the truth either. Because she loves me too much for that. I know she does. "They love you so much, and they want you back." Her voice caught on the last word. She looked down.

"Not like this." I said fiercely. I know they wouldn't want to see me like this either. She touched my shoulder gently.

"Are you going to tell me how you got these cuts?" Clary asked, tracing them. I took a deep breath and my voice shook when I spoke. I am not proud of what I did.

"I killed someone." I expected her to shrink back in fear, disgust, anger, disappointment. She dropped the towel and I could tell she was shocked, but felt none of the emotions I was scared for. She bent down to get it and spoke when she got back up.

"Who?" She whispered.

"You met her," I said, I hated every word I was saying. "The woman you went to visit with Sebastian. The Iron Sister. Magdalena." I twisted away from her and reached back to get the Cup that was tangled in the blankets of the bed. "Sebastian sent me—sent _him_—to get this from her tonight. And he also gave me the order to kill her." I cringed. I hate being under someone else's control. Especially someone as evil as Sebastian. "She wasn't expecting it. She wasn't expecting any violence, just payment and exchange. She thought we were on the same side." I'm only meant to kill demons. I'm meant to kill Sebastian. But I'm bound to him. If I kill him, I kill myself. I can't stand doing that to Clary. Even _he _knows that. "I let her hand me the cup, and then I took my dagger and i—" I took a deep breath, I saw her wide eyes, the blood splattering everywhere… "I stabbed her. I meant it to be through the heart, but she turned and I missed by inches. She staggered back and grabbed for her worktable—there were powdered _adamas _on it—she threw it at me. I think she meant to blind me. I turned my head away, and when I looked back, she had the _aegis _in her hand. I think I knew what it was. The light of it seared my eyes. I cried out as she drove it toward my chest, I felt a searing pain in the Mark, and then the blade shattered." I looked down and laughed. "The funny thing is, if I had been wearing gear, this wouldn't have happened. I didn't because I didn't think it wasn't worth the bother. I didn't think she could hurt me. But the _aegis _burned the Mark—Lilith's Mark—and suddenly I was back in myself, standing over this dead woman with a bloody dagger in my hand and the Cup in the other." And everything was clear again. It was like I could really breathe again.

"I don't understand," Clary said. "Why did Sebastian tell you to kill her?" I loved this about Clary. She didn't care that I had just killed a woman, didn't hate I for it, was only curious as to why I was forced to do such a thing.

"Do you remember what Sebastian said about that clock in Old Town Square? In Prague?"

"That the king had the clock maker's eyes put out after he made it so he could never make anything as beautiful again," Clary looked confused. "But I don't see—"

"Sebastian wanted Magdalena dead so she could never make anything like this again." I said, staring at her. She just looked back with wide eyes, drinking me in. "And so she could never tell." I finished bitterly, looking away. I hated myself for what I've just done. _He _would be perfectly okay with it.

"Tell what?" Clary brought her hand up to my chin and forced me to look at her. "Jace, _what is Sebastian really planning on doing? _The story he told in the training room, about wanting to raise demons so he can destroy them—" There was an urgency in her voice that I didn't particularly like. It scared me. Like she was planning something dangerous. It didn't matter if I was _me _or _him_, it would kill both of us to see her in pain, _real _pain. But it would hurt _me, _the real _me _more than it would hurt _him_.

"Sebastian wants to raise demons alright." I said bitterly, pushing the thought of losing Clary out of my mind. "One demon in particular. Lilith."

"But Lilith's dead. Simon killed her." There was a certain note of pain when she said Simon's voice that kind of scared me. Had something happened to him?

"Greater Demons don't die. Not really. Greater Demons inhibit the voids between the worlds, the great Void, the emptiness. What Simon did was shatter her power, send her in shreds back to the nothingness she came from. But she'll slowly reform there. Be reborn. It would take centuries, but not if Sebastian helps her." Her eyes widen even more and she shivered.

"Helps her how?" Clary's voice was small, quiet.

"By summoning her back to this world. He wants to mix her blood and his in a cup and create an army of dark Nephilim. He wants to be Jonathan Shadowhunter reincarnated, but on the side of demons, not angels."

"An army of dark Nephilim?" her voice got higher. "The two of you are tough, but you're not exactly an army." There was an odd edge to her voice that I hoped was directed toward Sebastian and _him_, not me.

"There are about forty or fifty Nephilim who either once loyal to Valentine, or hate the current direction of the Clave and are open to hearing what Sebastian has to say. He's been in contact with them. When he raises Lilith, they'll be there." I took a deep breath and looked at Clary. I couldn't place the look on her face… "And after all that? With the power of Lilith behind him? Who knows who will join his cause? He _wants _war. He's convinced he'll win it, but I'm not sure he won't. For every dark Nephilim he makes, he'll grow in power. Add that to the demons he's already made allegiances with, and i don't know if the Clave is prepared to withstand him." I really didn't like that edge to my voice.

Clary dropped her hand. "Sebastian never changed. Your blood never changed him. He's exactly like he always was." She looked at me, but there was an accusing look in her eyes. "But you. You lied to me, too." My heart stopped.

"_He _lied to you." I whispered.

"I know." She said, but her voice wasn't hers. "I know that Jace isn't you—"

"_He _thinks it's for your good and you'll be happier in the end, but he did lie to you. And I would never do that." She has to know that. _He _would lie to her, use her, _he_ may love her, but he doesn't care for her. _I _love her, _I _care for her, _I _would do anything and everything in my power to keep her safe and alive and happy.

"The _aegis_." There was a small note of hope in her voice. "If it could hurt you, and Sebastian not feel it, could it kill him, but not you?"

I shook my head. I could almost feel her heart breaking. "I don't think so. If I had an _aegis,_ I might be willing to try, but—no." I held her hand tightly. "Our life forces are tied together. An injury is one thing. If he were to die…" I hear the edge in my voice and try to soften it, but it just got sharper. "You know the easiest way to end this." I said, and she cringes. "Put a dagger in my heart. I'm surprised you didn't do it while I was sleeping." But I know why she hasn't. Because killing me would be like killing herself. Her voice shook when she spoke.

"Could you? If it were me?" She looked at me with so much pain in her eyes, it shattered my heart. "I believed there was a way to make this right. I still do. Give me your stele, and I'll make a Portal." I hated that note of hope in her voice, because I would have to be the one to shatter it.

"You can't make a Portal from inside here." I said. "It won't work. The only way out of this apartment is through the wall downstairs, by the kitchen. It's the only place you can move the apartment, too."

"Can you move us to the Silent City?" Clary asked, that note of hope returning to her voice. "If we go back, then the Silent Brothers can figure out a way to separate you from Sebastian. We'll tell the Clave his plan so they'll be prepared—" Her idea gave me an idea, but I know she would hate it.

"I can move it to one of the entrances, and I will. I'll go. We'll go together. But just so there won't be any untruth between us, Clary, you have to know, they'll kill me." My voice shook and tears filled her eyes.

"Kill you? No, they wouldn't—" But I could see it in her eyes, that this was the only way. They would kill me, they would have to.

"Clary." My voice was soft, gentle, loving. "As a good Shadowhunter, I ought to _volunteer _to die to stop what Sebastian is going to do. As a good Shadowhunter, I would." But I'm selfish. I don't want to do this to Clary. I see the pain, the pleading in her eyes. It would kill her.

"But none of this is your fault." Clary's voice rose, but she forced it back down. I hated seeing her like this. "You can't help what's been done to you. You're a victim in this. It's not _you, _Jace; it's someone else, someone else wearing your face. You shouldn't be punished—" Every word she says is killing me, breaking my resolve. I don't want to cause her any more pain that I've already caused her.

"It's not a matter of punishment. It's practicality. Kill me." She cringed. I saw the look of immense pain in her eyes, pain that no one her age should be feeling. "Sebastian dies. It's no different from sacrificing myself in battle. It's all well and good to say I didn't choose this. It has happened. And what I am now, myself, will be gone again soon enough." She cringes again. "And, Clary, I know it doesn't make sense, but I remember it—I remember all of it. I remember walking with you in Venice, and that night at the club, and sleeping in this bed with you, and don't you get it? I wanted this. This is all I ever wanted, to live with you like this, be with you like this. What am I supposed to think, when the worse thing that has ever happened to me gives me exactly what I want?" When it boils down to it, what makes me sick to think about, really, is that this is what _Sebastian _gave me. What _Lilith _gave me. "Maybe Jace Lightwood can see all the ways this is wrong and messed-up, but Jace Wayland, Valentine's son…loves this life." She looked at me with wide eyes, sad and full of pain, begging me to stay with her. "And that's why I have to go." I whisper. "Before this wears off. Before I'm him again."

"Go where?" But she knew what I meant.

"To the Silent City." Her eyes roamed my face, as if she was trying to memorize it. "I have to turn myself in—and the Cup, too."


	2. Final Moments

I hated the look in Clary's eyes, because I knew this was killing her. She dropped the towel and her hands were shaking.

"No!" Her voice was rising. "Jace, you can't. They'll kill you." It was quiet now, pleading, full of pain. I cringed as I picked up a new shirt. I can't leave my Clary like this. I can't. But I need to…

"They'll try to separate me from Sebastian first," I said, looking at her. I knew that was impossible, even the Silent Brothers wouldn't be able to separate us… "If that doesn't work, then they'll kill me." I'll be writing my own death sentence by walking into the Silent City.

"Not good enough." Clary reached for me, but I turned away from her. She was making it harder for me. I pulled my boots on.

"I don't have a choice, Clary." I didn't look her in the eye. I was scared of what I would find there. "This is the right thing to do." She knows it is. We're being selfish…

"It's insane." Clary's voice shook. I hated this. "You're safe here." No I'm not, Clary, I'm really not… "You can't throw away your life—" She was begging and the look in her eyes were ripping out my heart.

"Saving myself is treason." I said. "It's putting a weapon into the hands of the enemy." She was looking at me like… like… I was holding a knife to her throat.

And, I suppose, in a way, I was.

I wasn't only asking to kill myself. I was killing Clary as well. But she would have to live through the pain.

"Who cares about treason?" She was on the verge of tears. "Or the Law?" And suddenly, I heard Alec's voice in my head. "_Sed lex dura lex. _The Law is hard, but it is the Law." I looked at Clary, the pain etched on her face was driving me crazy. "I care about you." I know you do, baby, I know you do. I have to do this… "We'll figure this out together—" I wish we could, Clary.

"_We _can't figure this out." I grabbed my stele from the nightstand and put it in my pocket and took the Cup in my hand. It burned. "Because I'm only going to be for a little while longer." And at least I got this time with you. "I love you, Clary." I took a step closer to her and tilted her face up to mine. I wasn't surprised to see tears sparkling in her eyes, but it still broke my heart. I kissed her. "Do this for me." I whispered. Clary shook her head.

"I absolutely will not," Her voice was stronger now. "I will not try to help you get yourself killed." _I will not help you kill me, too. _

But I turned away from her and walked towards the door. She couldn't see the tears running down my face. I wiped them quickly away before Clary could catch up with me.

"This is crazy," She whispered angrily. "Putting yourself in the path of danger—"

I sighed. "As if you don't." It killed me. Every time I saw her fighting, risking her life. I could never bear the thought of losing my Clary, such a big part of me… I couldn't take it. _But I'm about to the same thing to her…_

"Right, and it makes you furious." She retorted. It does because I can't stand to see you in pain. "Remember what you said to me in Alicante—"

We stopped in the kitchen and I put the Cup down on the counter, turning to face her. I took the stele out and ran my hand across the blade. I remember the look on her face as I yelled at her…

"I had no right to say that." I said. Clary's eyes were wide. "Clary, this is what we are. We're Shadowhunters. This is what we do. There are risks we take that aren't just the risks you find in battle." Her small hands grabbed my wrists and she stared at me. She was scared. Not just for me, but for her, too. She knew what would happen to her when I went to the Silent City and the Silent Brothers killed me.

"I won't let you." Her voice was full of so much pain, so much fear, so much love… It hurt. I had nothing left.

"Clarissa—" I whispered. I saw a look in her eyes, the look when she was about to something she was going to regret, but it was for my own good. Something she was already sorry for, and she was begging me to understand why she was doing what she was about to do.

She took a deep breath.

I knew what she was going to do. And I can't blame her for it. I would have done the same thing. Oh, Clary…

"Jonathan!" She screamed. My heart stopped. I knew she was going to do this, I knew it was going to happen. She's not just saving me; she's saving herself. "Jonathon Christopher Morgenstern!"

My eyes widened. "_Clary—" _ Clary, Clary… Oh, baby, why? She let go of me and the warmth left me. She backed away. I can tell she was worried, scared that I hated her for this, that I don't understand.

But I do, Clary, I do. And I love you, I love you so much. Please don't hate yourself. I understand… He's the only thing that could physically make me stay.

And then… he was there. "Lover's spat?" He smirked. He had a knife in his hand. Why did he have a knife? Maybe it was better I stayed, I needed to protect Clary…

"His rune's damaged." Clary's voice was shaking, she hated herself for this, I could tell. Oh, Clary, please… don't hate yourself. I understand. "Here." She put her hand over her heart, and her hand was shaking even more than her voice. "He's trying to go back, to give himself up to the Clave—" Her eyes filled with tears as she looked at me, begging me to understand.

But, I do, baby, I do.

Sebastian took the Cup from my hand. When had I picked it up again? He slammed it down on the kitchen counter and Clary jumped. I didn't move as he walked towards me and grabbed me by the front of my shirt.

Where was I? Why wasn't I fighting him? Pushing him away?

The top buttons of my shirt popped open—this was Clary's favorite shirt—and he slashed the point of his stele into my skin. He carved an _iratze _into it. I bit my lip and stared at him. I wanted to fight him.

"Honestly, Jace," His voice was… he sounded as though he thought he were better than me. My hatred for him only increased. "The idea that you thought you could get away with something like this just knocks me out." He smirked. Clary looked terrified behind him. She wasn't scared of him, I know her better than that, she was scared of how I felt about her right now.

I love you, Clary.

Sebastian's voice was a little choked now. "Next time… you want to be knocked out…" My hands curled into fists. "I'd be happy to help you. Maybe with a brick. You'll thank me later. Even you have to admit this death wish of yours is a little extreme."

Clary looked at me, like she was expecting me to fight back. But I had to calm myself so I wouldn't punch him. My voice was cold and very clear when I spoke to him.

"I won't remember this later," I said, glaring at him. "But you will. That person who acts like your friend—" I took a step forward. There was no space between us now. I heard Clary gasp. "That person who acts like they like you. That person isn't real. This is real. This is me." Clary smiled a little from behind him. That gave me the fuel I needed. "And I hate you. I will always hate you. And there is no magic and no spell in this world or any other that will ever change that."

His smile faded. But I grew stronger and looked at Clary. _My Clary. _

"I need you to know," I said, afraid she would hate me for this is. "the truth—I didn't tell you all the truth." Her eyes widened.

"The truth is dangerous." Sebastian said, holding the stele like a knife. He wouldn't hurt me. "Be careful what you say."

I cringed, I was breathing heavily.. the healing of the rune on my chest was hurting like hell. "The plan," I gasped. "To raise Lilith, to make a new Cup, to create a dark army—that wasn't Sebastian's plan." Clary's eyes grew even wider, spread with fear and pain. "It was mine."

She froze. "What?" I knew she didn't blame me for it, it was _him _that did it, but it was still me…

"Sebastian knew what he wanted." I said. "But I figured out how he could do it. A new Mortal Cup—I gave him that idea." I jerked in pain. The rune healing hurt was killing me. "Or, should I say, he did. That thing that looks like me, but isn't He'll burn the whole world down if Sebastian wants him to, and laugh while he's gong it." I knew my next words would break her heart. "That's what you're saving, Clary. That. Don't you understand? I'd rather be dead—"

And I knew I was done. In a matter of seconds, I would be _him _again. I didn't get to tell Clary I loved her… It hurt so much, this pain…

Everything was blurry for a moment, then it was clear before the edges blurred around the edges. Clary was standing across the room with tears streaming down her face.

"What's going on?" I asked, looking around.

"Welcome back." Sebastian laughed.

What? Where had I gone?

All I knew is that I felt much more empty than I had before…


End file.
